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In My Head

My naturalization ceremony is today, 5/24/22 and my emotions are running deep. I haven’t even shared the news with my friends. I should be excited to be taking the oath of allegiance, I mean, I will finally become a United States Citizen; however, the thought of it has taken me to a dark place. It makes me reminisce on what it took me to get here. The lies, deceit, trauma, stigma, and so on. My response to my dark place is staying in my bubble. Shutting down and disconnecting from everyone. Sadly, that’s my default. I am consciously not trying to go down that route and thankfully, I am in a better headspace. Maybe I’ll share my story, maybe I won’t… time will tell.

In any case, lets talk about dating.

I am low key bombed that most guys don’t want to be with single mothers. I mean, why would anyone rather be with someone who has a kid when you can be with someone who doesn’t, right? But life happens!

I am currently dating this guy that I like; I really like him. Lets call him Fred. Fred and I met on Hinge, a dating app, late August of last year. After talking for a few weeks, we decided to meet-up in person over brunch. He knew I was a single mother from day one. I always disclose this information.

Acknowledging that we’re not all perfect, Fred wasn’t everything I wanted but he had most of the things I wanted. We shared most of the same values, views on life, activities, goals, food, etc. It’s been a beautiful experience and we were head over heels for each other.

Sadly, it seems to be fizzling out between us.

Why?

He’s not sure if he has what it takes to be a father to a 7-year-old. In his words, “I want to be with you; however, being with you means I’ll be a surrogate dad to your daughter. I fear that If I wear the shoe, I don’t know if I will be able to walk in it”.

Fred is consistent and honest, which I appreciate, but what triggered the conversation? Why now? why didn’t he say it earlier when we just met?

After all, I told him from day one that I was a single mother.

TO BE CONTNUED…

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What Are We Doing?

A male friend of mine asked that I lowered my standards. I asked… what standards? Is it too much to ask to love and be loved OR to want a man that wants me and all of me?

At my age, I am 33-years-old. I do not think all the above are too much to ask.

He said, you have what most people want. You’re successful and you have a kid. Not many women can do what you’re doing. You chose to play the role of a father and a mother to your kid, you’re doing a great job. It’s okay if the guys you’re dating don’t want marriage. Enjoy the moment! Marriage isn’t all it is!

Be selfish, he said.

Use the guys as well, either for your financial gain or emotionally. If the sex is good, keep him temporarily…until you find the Ying to your Yang.

Would you consider his advise Words of Wisdom?

I don’t know, you tell me?

In my previous post, I mentioned Fred and I were fizzling out. It sucks, no lie! Then, we couldn’t get our hands off each other and now, we just give each other hugs. Need I mention…side hugs? Yes! That’s all we do now. This doesn’t change the fact that we still have great conversations. We talk about anything and everything. He used to call me his favorite person. Favorite person, soon to be historical person.

One Friday, I spent the night at his. As usual, we have great times together and he takes really good care of me. The next morning, over breakfast…oh, Fred is a good cook. I love me a man that can cook.

Over breakfast, we were having our random conversations and I remember asking, “By the way, what are we doing?” I dreaded asking that daunting question. Why? because often times, you don’t know what response to expect. And honestly, if you’re having to ask a guy that question, you should be wary. We once mentioned we were exclusive, but, I genuinely waned more.

I’m not trying to paint Fred as a bad person. He’s a great guy in his own way. Although, he never bought the bike he promised for my birthday… story for another day! Back to the main narrative.

He wasn’t expecting the question, so he did feel ambushed and he gave me the same response he always has “I want to be with you; however, being with you means I’ll be a surrogate dad to your daughter. I fear that If I wear the shoe, I don’t know if I will be able to walk in it” He also stated “I am coming around, I really am. I like you a lot but as an over thinker, I don’t know. Maybe I am moving ahead of myself”. Consistent huh?

Are you wondering why I am still with the guy that gives me the same response every time I ask the daunting question ?

Me too, I ask myself the exact same question every time.

Am I hoping he’ll come around?

Why am I hoping he’ll come around?

Maybe I don’t know how to call it quits?

Fred is consistent, his actions matches his words.. But what happened to the saying that goes “When a man wants you, he’ll accept you and all of you?

My friend and I bet $5 for everyday that goes by and I don’t end things with him. I told her I’ll rather do it in person…for the good times we’ve shared. Excuses? Buying time? You tell me.

Fred turned a year older some days ago. I took him out to dinner with the hopes of ending our Situationship.

Do you think I called it off with him?

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Could This Be The End?

In the previous post, I mentioned I was taking Fred out to dinner to celebrate his 35th birthday. The plan was to call things off after dinner but honestly, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

We both had a lovely time celebrating his birthday, sharing memories and took tons of pictures.

Fred and I consistently talk on the phone per usual. He’s the first person I talk to in the mornings, midway texting, evening calls and the last person I talk to before bed.

I had gotten to a place where I knew it was time to call off the situationship; however, I couldn’t because I liked him…alot. Fred is affectionate, thoughtful, just how I like my men but he kept saying “give me time to come around, I am invested in us.” – this wasn’t enough for me as I needed some sort of assurance.

Give me time to come around, he said. How long will that take? we’ve been having this conversation for months.

One night, I sat in bed at almost midnight and I typed a message that I intended to read to him the next time we hung out. I said –

“Remember when you came over to community park, we sat at the back seat of the car, sun roof opened and watched the stars.. we had a long intimate conversation. I remember I told you all I wanted was “to love and be loved”? I remember you said, “you have so much love to give!”

That hasn’t changed for me and I know you do have so much love to give.

The other day, you said you know how my heart beats!

I believe you, I know you do. You know how I feel about you, you know! I don’t need to mince my words. You know I am into you and I really care about you. We’re all not perfect, but you still manage to tickle my fancy!

I love it when you call me by my full name. It makes my heart smile.

I have a kid, an awesome one! I am a single mom. I am a strong woman.

I understand no one signs up to have a bonus child.. I mean, why would anyone want to when you can dodge that bullet, right? I won’t fault anyone on that. I totally understand your stand and you gradually coming around. I would never fault you on that.
I never hid the fact that I have a kid from anyone. I always disclose the information. I remember I mentioned it to you on our first date, and like everyone else, I got the usual “ I don’t believe you”

See, I know what I want. Maybe I might be wishing for unicorns at this point, but I do.

I want someone who wants me, and all of me. Not someone who just wants me and is trying to wrap their head around the fact that they’ll be a surrogate dad! I want someone that’ll love me and love all that I come with, my daughter. My daughter and I are the package. I’ll never fault you on wanting to come around or expect a certain timeframe for you to come around BUT, I can’t keep on waiting. I’m sorry!

You know I want to be committed, in a committed relationship, to my favorite person! But sadly, things like these can’t be forced. I can’t force anyone to be with me and vice versa. We met late Aug/early September, its June, aprox 9 months…time sure flies by! I want to love and be loved! I want someone that wants me and all of me!

Sucks for me, no lie! Been turned down because I am a single mom is heartbreaking, it takes me aback but again, I have accepted my cross! It is sad that I have developed a tough skin to heartbreak so much so, that when people come and go I simply move on hurting…like nothing happened.

I can’t continue to wait for you to come around, sorry! As usual, I’ll be fine. “

I woke up the in the morning, read the epistle I typed and told myself “Young woman, resist the urge to shalaye”. Shalaye is a yoruba word that means “explain”. In order words I cautioned myself not to read the message to him.

We eventually made plans to see on Friday after work.. Lets see how it goes.

Your comments, opinion and thoughts are welcomed 🙂

Memorial Weekend

On Friday morning, Fred called to check- in on me and asked that we moved our plans to meet after work on Friday to lunch on Saturday. The change of plans was fine by me as I was ready to end this overdue situationship.

Mid day Friday, I decided to go out of town for the weekend…it was memorial weekend and I’d rather spend it exploring a different city with a friend. I called Fred to let him know my plans had changed and I was driving out of town on Saturday. He did not respond…it was very unlike him. I texted, no response.

On Saturday morning, on my drive out of town, I called Fred again, no response. I think I left him a voicemail to make sure he was okay.

I headed out of town, it was a 4-hour drive. That evening, I got a text from Fred. The text I received was my “Be-Jesus moment”. It was my wakeup call. It felt as though I came to a sudden realization and I asked my self “… WTF are you doing?”

In summary, the text stated “I see you have tried to call me. I didn’t pick because I have a cold feet because I feel you are going to ask about us and I won’t know what to say. That’s so not right. We can meet up anytime, Let me know“.

Me, a whole spec? ah, I’ve suffered o.

The message left a bad taste in my mouth and I was done!

We’ve had great times together and I figured it was best to call it off in person, as per I was trying to be the bigger person. I was wrong.

I responded and in summary, I stated “I called to let you know I was going out of town and couldn’t have lunch on Saturday as anticipated. I felt it was best if we saw/talked in person. I have taken sometime to think about our “relationship” and realized it isn’t working for me. I feel like we haven’t really grown from when we met and it would be best for us to just go our separate ways. Take care of you“.

He replied and said “oh wow! very well then”.

I took my L and moved on!

I got home from my trip. That evening, I received a message from Fred.

To be Continued!

Thanks for coming to my site and reading my stories… your comments, thoughts and opinions are welcomed 🙂

Cutting Ties

Guys, I skipped a gist.

I forgot to mention … while I was out of town, I went back on the dating app, Hinge and matched with someone. We ended up going on a date. Lets call him Dave. I’ll save Dave’s story for another post.

Lets not get distracted. Back to Fred’s gist.

In the previous post, I mentioned that I called things off with Fred while I was out of town for Memorial Weekend. I ended the situationship via a text message. An approach I was avoiding. But it had to happen that way. His response to my message was “Oh wow, very well then”.

I took my L and moved on.

I got back from my trip on Thursday and that evening, I got a text from Fred. It read:

“Hey, I hope you made it back to town safely. I didn’t bother to reach out cos I know you were out of town.

I understand your point in the message you sent to me but I think we had so much more together and having things go this way isn’t just right.

I’ll like to meet up and discuss or at the very least talk on the phone. I hope you can grant that.”

Personally, when my mind is made up… that’s it. I rarely look back nor go back on my words.

When I saw his text, I did the obvious. I rolled my eyes. I ignored the message which is my standard default. When I’m done with someone, you’re good as dead to me.

I called my friend, Sammy and told her what had happened. She was ablet to convince me to hear him out.

I mean, why not.. I really had nothing to lose but I was certain I wasn’t going back on my words.

I replied his text hours later and said “Hey, we can talk on the phone“.

That evening, Fred called.

We spoke for almost 30minutes and during the call, we talked about almost nothing. He said “I had always imagined you’ll be frustrated with me. Sometimes, I could understand why and other times, I couldn’t…but I see where you’re coming from and I understand that you’re trying to protect your interest”.

Surprised? me too!

Fred said he actually saw this coming.. hmm! I’m sure he did…or maybe not? He also said, while he saw it coming, he was hoping things would move differently in a different direction that’ll it won’t get to this.

Is it possible that Fred is scared of commitment? I don’t know.

Back story… When I met Fred, he mentioned he used to be engaged; however, he called off this engagement due some reasons I won’t be sharing. We don’t care about Fred’s past relationship… or do we?

Anyways, moving on… He did not strike me as someone who was scared of commitments.

Oh, he also said “I am not trying to be an asshole. I’m not trying to waste your time, I just couldn’t move faster than I was moving …and then, I stopped moving”.

I asked why?

He responded and said “you have a unique space in my life, you get me naturally, your temperament is good for mine and vice versa.

There was a long pause. He then continued and said “I have to show up and show out. I cannot come into your life and say I’m not in for this right now, I have to show up day one knowing what to do and being prepared to do it”.

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

If so, you’re right… the kid in the picture.

He went on and said “I know you mentioned you had a kid on our first date but I didn’t want to judge a book by its cover. The first day I met you, there was something compelling about you and I wanted to give things a chance. The chance was a good decision. I did not have the magic formular to arrive at the destination you want me to… in the time that you want to. I understand that posed some frustration to you.

I was mute while he kept ranting. Seems like he was trying to convince me that he wasn’t a bad person. I don’t think Fred is a bad person but I’m sure he’s a piece of shit!

Oh, I forgot to mention…Fred ended the conversation with “I wanted to tell you all these things in person but I did not have the courage to. I don’t want you to be heartbroken or ask you to give me more time. I really like you and I have been saying the same bullshit”

At least, the bullshitter knows he’s bullshitting…. that’s progress.

My response to his speech was “This is all a merry-go-round”. I wished him goodnight and hung up.

A few minutes later, I received a text from Fred that read “Glad we got to talk today a bit. I will call you tomorrow if that’s okay.”

My response was “Totally okay :)”

Fred did not call the next day but he sent a text to check in to make sure I was okay. The whole process was becoming exhausting so I ignored.

I traveled abroad for a month. While I was aboard, I reconnected with an old flame…sweet story for another day 😉

I got home after my long trip abroad and I received a letter in the mail.

Your thoughts are as good as mine…the letter was from Fred!!

To be Continued!!!

As always, thank you for visiting my blog and reading my posts.

I look forward to reading your comments/thoughts 🙂

Cheers!