Could This Be The End?

In the previous post, I mentioned I was taking Fred out to dinner to celebrate his 35th birthday. The plan was to call things off after dinner but honestly, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

We both had a lovely time celebrating his birthday, sharing memories and took tons of pictures.

Fred and I consistently talk on the phone per usual. He’s the first person I talk to in the mornings, midway texting, evening calls and the last person I talk to before bed.

I had gotten to a place where I knew it was time to call off the situationship; however, I couldn’t because I liked him…alot. Fred is affectionate, thoughtful, just how I like my men but he kept saying “give me time to come around, I am invested in us.” – this wasn’t enough for me as I needed some sort of assurance.

Give me time to come around, he said. How long will that take? we’ve been having this conversation for months.

One night, I sat in bed at almost midnight and I typed a message that I intended to read to him the next time we hung out. I said –

“Remember when you came over to community park, we sat at the back seat of the car, sun roof opened and watched the stars.. we had a long intimate conversation. I remember I told you all I wanted was “to love and be loved”? I remember you said, “you have so much love to give!”

That hasn’t changed for me and I know you do have so much love to give.

The other day, you said you know how my heart beats!

I believe you, I know you do. You know how I feel about you, you know! I don’t need to mince my words. You know I am into you and I really care about you. We’re all not perfect, but you still manage to tickle my fancy!

I love it when you call me by my full name. It makes my heart smile.

I have a kid, an awesome one! I am a single mom. I am a strong woman.

I understand no one signs up to have a bonus child.. I mean, why would anyone want to when you can dodge that bullet, right? I won’t fault anyone on that. I totally understand your stand and you gradually coming around. I would never fault you on that.
I never hid the fact that I have a kid from anyone. I always disclose the information. I remember I mentioned it to you on our first date, and like everyone else, I got the usual “ I don’t believe you”

See, I know what I want. Maybe I might be wishing for unicorns at this point, but I do.

I want someone who wants me, and all of me. Not someone who just wants me and is trying to wrap their head around the fact that they’ll be a surrogate dad! I want someone that’ll love me and love all that I come with, my daughter. My daughter and I are the package. I’ll never fault you on wanting to come around or expect a certain timeframe for  you to come around BUT, I can’t keep on waiting. I’m sorry!

You know I want to be committed, in a committed relationship, to my favorite person! But sadly, things like these can’t be forced. I can’t force anyone to be with me and vice versa.  We met late Aug/early September, its June, aprox 9 months…time sure flies by! I want to love and be loved! I want someone that wants me and all of me!  

Sucks for me, no lie! Been turned down because I am a single mom is heartbreaking, it takes me aback but again, I have accepted my cross! It is sad that I have developed a tough skin to heartbreak so much so, that when people come and go I simply move on hurting…like nothing happened.

I can’t continue to wait for you to come around, sorry! As usual, I’ll be fine. “

I woke up the in the morning, read the epistle I typed and told myself “Young woman, resist the urge to shalaye”. Shalaye is a yoruba word that means “explain”. In order words I cautioned myself not to read the message to him.

We eventually made plans to see on Friday after work.. Lets see how it goes.

Your comments, opinion and thoughts are welcomed 🙂